


Ineradicable

by pokimunchies



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Infidelity, M/M, The Tale of Yamada Ryosuke's Golden Ring, Writer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 11:43:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11966658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pokimunchies/pseuds/pokimunchies
Summary: The same golden ring wraps around Yamada's finger beautifully, glistening under the dim light of his bedroom. Proving such existence of a love too extravagant, too ineradicable to be diminished.





	Ineradicable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dusk037](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dusk037/gifts).



> For my beautiful recipient, dusk037. I hope you like it! I wish I could've written something better. But at the least.. I hope it fulfills one of the requirements. xoxo.  
> HUGE thanks to my wonderful betas, Joana (@marchtwentyfour) and Riko (@rikotan). You guys are my lifesavers.  
> Tons of love for everyone involved in the process of writing and everyone who takes a moment to read this piece.  
> And, thank you for letting me join this exchange. It's been such an experience.  
> 

 

 

_"It's raining again."_

 

[2010]

 

Through the tinted windows on rainy days that kept their hearts frozen for hours, Yuto reasoned his love for rain with overlapping metaphors of words. He hugged his knees and collapsed onto the couch as Yamada clutched a cup of hot chocolate Yuto had made for him. Yamada listened, watching Yuto’s eyes glistened as the light touched the side of his face, and he thought his heart was caught into a frenzy of different colours of rainbow. Yuto turned to Yamada and sketched a smile, his voice rimmed on Yamada’s ears and solaced his worries. Of an unknown future for thousands of words punctured on printing sheets and pain too tremendous to bear.

Yamada doesn't love the rain as much as Yuto does, but somehow watching the raindrops falling behind layer of glass with Yuto always made Yamada feel like he could run under it and not feeling pain anymore.

It was warm instead when the sky cried, on an evening in March that year. Yuto’s lips were on Yamada’s with arms wrapped around his waist, reassuring that the rain would stop. His lips left Yamada’s after a few seconds, and he hugged him again. He left soon after to catch a taxi back home. Leaving his best friend with offbeat thoughts for two hours about how Yuto and himself, who were both boys in their teenage years, had kissed outside a train station with pairs of eyes watching them.

Yamada read a message from Yuto shortly after that as he ran inside the station to avoid people’s stares,

_‘Damn, I still feel your lips on mine.’_

Yamada swore he didn’t plan falling for Yuto.

 

Days went by like they used to, with neither Yuto nor Yamada bringing up the kiss. Yuto continued to spend evenings with Yamada like their routine, working on their homework and a club project that they had been working on for a few weeks. Their skins would brush with each other’s every now and then, but they had shaken the thoughts off and put them deep in the back of their minds.

By the time Yamada realised it, all he was left with are the memories of the person that made them with him. A letter arrived one morning in his mailbox. Yuto wrote to him that he was going away, leaving no address or contact numbers. Only a small relic laid inside the envelope; a golden ring. One that fit his finger like how Yuto is for him.

 

[2017]

 

_I've always been watching you._

 

Those evening talks continue to resound in Yamada's ears years later, as he tries to ignore the empty feeling Yuto leaves him with. Those arms that were too warm Yamada wishes he had hugged Yuto back; not letting him go, ever. He misses Yuto every day, whispers upon night after night that felt longer than he thought. Sending his wishes in the wind that somewhat felt colder, chilling his bones. His lips dry like how his heart is, which trace of the other’s skin was sculpted, too real to forget. That one kiss had meant something more, and Yamada believes Yuto had felt the same way.

In silence and undefined distance, time passes as Yuto and Yamada live in separate spaces and do different things in life. But neither of them ever forget the taste of sorrow when the curtains sprawl inside their bedrooms to bring along the vile, cold wind that whispers in their ears, “I miss you” every time before sending them into a drowse.

Yamada closes his eyes to drain the pain away of remembering all the images in his head. Only letters that dance on the screen possess the power to write out his misery.

Seven years have passed since then. The changing season greets Yamada each time, basking its way through his printed words that are being circulated from the north to the south part of the country. Yamada carries on to fulfill his promise to Yuto to never stop writing, and is finally able to make a name for himself from the books and articles he writes. He gradually tries his best to improve, little by little but keeping his step even each time. Though deep in his heart, there is only one name he always wishes to be able to witness the existence of his works.

Yamada hasn’t stopped searching throughout these years. For a figure he cherishes and admires. The person who taught him how to love his own words and style of writing. One who spent hours watching the rain from his apartment, promised Yamada to walk him to the train station after the rain subsided. But it was only Yuto’s excuse to keep Yamada longer in his house that was always empty. It wasn’t like Yamada ever complain, though. In fact, Yamada truly enjoyed Yuto’s company; every second of it.

The same golden ring stays snugged around Yamada’s finger, keeping the existence of his most precious person alive in his heart. It shines beautifully as the sunlight fights its way through the half-opened curtains and into his office.

Another day of work, piles of paper welcome him as he sits on his chair and turns his computer on. His eyes shine bright as soon as his computer starts up, showing his childhood photo with Yuto, a wallpaper that he’s been using ever since he stepped into the office three years ago. It’s a picture from when the two of them were eating at a yakiniku restaurant. Their team had just won a football match that day. He was a striker, and Yuto was the goalkeeper. Yuto wouldn’t stop yelling excitedly when their team was announced as the winner of the prefectural competition. He hugged Yamada tightly, who had scored two goals that brought their team to victory.

Yamada smiles as he reminisces the scene, recalling Yuto’s eyes that were sparkling when he let go of his embrace.

There is a knock on the door that startles him, and a few seconds later his colleague comes into view, informing Yamada that there is someone who would like to meet him. Yamada frowns at the information, wondering who is the said person as he stands up from his chair and walks out of his room.

Two cups of coffee are placed on the table, its steam flying in the air as a person on the couch leans his body towards his side to observe a small aquarium that sits on the table near him. He mutters, “So cute...” as he sees fish in shoal swimming in between the corals.

Yamada jolts at the voice, as if being taken several years back in time. He thought for a second that he is dreaming, but he looks up again to where the person is sitting, his back still facing him. He recognises it right away even from his voice. It’s him.

“Yuto-kun?”

One word, and the man turns his back, a soft smile drawn on his face. Yamada feels his heart being impaled, overwhelming with emotions. Shots of tears come rolling down his face as Yuto approaches him, telling him that this is not a dream.

“Yama-chan, I’ve missed you.” Yuto pulls Yamada closer and kisses his hair. His huge arms wrap around Yamada’s smaller body perfectly like always.

Yamada buries his head on the taller’s neck, as he breathes in and out, staining Yuto’s skin with his tears. He doesn’t say anything; his throat has grown frail and dry. Only his action tells Yuto that he is not going to let him go ever again.

 

***

 

_I’ve always been watching you._

 

Through his eyes, hidden and unknown, Yuto has been silently watching as Yamada grows. When Yamada’s words expanded to meet many hearts and put together the morsels that was his own heart.

He holds Yamada’s hand and lands a finger on his ring. A ring that he gave to Yamada seven years ago is still gleaming gently under the dim light and melts his heart as he remembers the kind of affection he’s always had for Yamada. After all these years, divided and voiceless, their hearts have always been adjacent to each other.

“Yama-chan, I’m sorry. For all these years.” Yuto grips on Yamada’s palm tighter, their breaths near and nose almost brushing.

“That’s alright. What matters is that you’re here now. I’m thankful.”

Their eyes meet, and the separated world in their heads crushed into one. Each arm is pulling closer, not taking aback. The small world they live in has brought them back together, and Yuto wishes he could retrieve the time he has lost. Those time he wished he had been going through life with Yamada beside him.

He wonders as he wraps Yamada in his arms, how it would have been to grow up right next to him. He would kill to be able to revive the wonderful time he has lost. But he bites back his regret as he pulls Yamada closer to him, telling Yamada stories he had never been able to share these past years. After everything, they’re able to share each other’s warmness and tells the night about a person they've missed for seven years. No one could ever steal such precious time from them anymore.

Or so they thought, because Yuto still owes Yamada an explanation.

 

***

 

Yamada wakes up to the sight of Yuto curling himself into a ball on the couch. He smiles as he stretches his arms, convincing himself that he isn’t dreaming to see Yuto that morning. He inches closer and sits on the floor next to him, but Yuto makes no sign of getting up and stays unmoving.

Yamada looks at him deeply, admiring every line on Yuto’s face. His closed eyelids expose his beautiful long eyelashes, gets him wondering of such creation. His pointed nose that he’s never tired of pinching, he remembers that they used to play a game where they pinched each other’s nose to see who can survive longer with their mouth closed. His sharp cheekbones that make his appearance stand out, and lips too dry he almost can’t resist the urge to crash them with his own at that moment.

Every inch of Yuto is perfection that he’s grateful to witness. Yamada thinks of the time he spent searching for the only light he recognises, and that morning he feels like that light has come back to him. He sheds a tear, a mix of painful memories and his gratitude to have Yuto’s presence in his life again.

Yuto is awake after some time, capturing Yamada sobbing in front of him. He leaps immediately from the couch and joins the other on the floor to hold Yamada and console him from whatever sorrow he’s feeling.

“Yama-chan, why are you crying?” Yuto runs his fingers on Yamada’s hair lovingly and holds him tighter.

“Yuto-kun, where have you been all these time?” Yamada speaks feebly in between his sobs, burying his head on Yuto’s chest.

There is a pause as Yuto tries to think of words, desperately trying to form thousands of them that come storming in his brain.

“My father sent me to study overseas right after we both moved. I returned to Japan after I graduated from university.” Yuto tightens his embrace, muffling his words on Yamada’s hair. Yamada sniffs and speaks again on his chest, trying to fight away his tears.

“Why didn’t you leave any contact for me to reach you? You didn’t even send any letter fo me...”

Yuto feels like his heart has stopped in his chest when he remembers the reasons why he didn’t contact Yamada. Why he couldn’t contact Yamada... There was no way for it.

“Yama-chan. I’m sorry...”

It's not what he is supposed to say. Guilt is slowly forming in his chest when he realises the pressure of the truth that he’s been hiding.

“Why? Well, it’s alright now.” Yamada rises up to look at Yuto and throws a heartfelt smile for him.

“Now, Yuto-kun is here. I would like to retrieve the time we have lost and make up for the seven years we were apart.”

 

***

 

“Yuto-kun? Did you hear me?” Yamada calls out for Yuto from the kitchen, his right hand is holding a spoon in front of him.

Yuto is startled at the call and turns to Yamada, who sends him a wide smile and a chuckle.

“You look like you’ve been thinking of something. What’s the matter?”

Yuto gasps and tries to clear out his breath to sound normal.

“Um, no. Nothing, really. Do I look like that?”

Yamada smiles again and approaches Yuto who is still sitting on the sofa.

“I’ve been calling you to help me taste this food. Open your mouth.” Yamada offers him a spoon of rice from behind him. Yuto opens his mouth to taste the food.

“Wow! This is delicious!” Yuto exclaims with food still occupying his mouth.

“Thank you! Then, we can have our breakfast now.” Yamada turns around to get back to the kitchen but Yuto grasps his hand to stop him.

“What’s wrong?”

“No, it’s okay. I’m just so happy now.”

Yuto flashes a bright smile, a smile that Yamada has missed in his long tiring days and countless nights over-thinking of story plots and deadlines. He looks at his best friend and feels like his heart is going to burst into pieces. It’s the same smile he offered when they talked for the first time. A smile so bright that Yamada swears he would trade the sun to live just with it.

The beautiful eyes of Yamada’s are sparkling in front of Yuto as he recalls Yuto’s smile.

Meanwhile, Yuto is reminded of the same pair of eyes he grew fond of as they spent a lot of time together after school. His father never allowed him to join writing club in his school, but Yuto had always loved literature since he was small. Being the rebellious kid that he was, he broke his father’s rule and joined the club where he talked to Yamada for the first time. Though they were in the same class, Yuto had never talked to Yamada before.

Yamada gave off an unapproachable impression and was very shy to talk to anyone. But Yuto offered his hand and walked with him every day after club activities, taking the train back home together, and playing football together when they felt like it. All the things he did with Yamada had opened the boy’s heart a little. Yamada began telling him stories, his insecurities and fear. Which made Yuto chuckled when Yamada mentioned his fear of height and frogs, and his dislikes of wasabi and natto.

Yamada mentioned his biggest fear of rain to Yuto. But always, he invited Yamada to watch the rain with him, telling him how beautiful the rain was. Yamada could only nod and snuggle closer to Yuto. 

_"Maybe... It's kinda beautiful when I get to watch it with you."_

Yuto was Yamada’s best friend, and vice versa.

Life was good when they were around each other. Yamada was laughing away when he was with Yuto, unlike most of the time at school where almost everyone ignored him.

Yuto didn’t know when he started loving Yamada more than he should have, but he couldn’t deny it anymore when he saw Yamada looked like he was on the edge of breaking. It always happened every time the rain poured. He looked like he was absorbed in the dreadful kind of cold, like the rain was stabbing him mercilessly, like the light in him had faded completely. Yuto hugged him that day, covering him completely in his arms for a few minutes while Yamada stayed still and unsure of what to do. When Yuto let go of him, he saw Yamada looked all red and adorable.

_“Yuto-kun, I’m… afraid of the rain.”_

Yamada snuggles closer to Yuto and clutched onto his jacket.

_“You’ll be okay. I’m here.”_

Right there, Yuto did what his brain told him. His face approached Yamada's and in a second his lips were pressing on the other's. It was a soft kiss, filled with awkwardness at all sorts. 

Yuto hugged him again, thinking about what had just happened. His heart was beating so fast in his chest. He pulled away from Yamada and patted his shoulder. As he left and ran to catch a taxi back home, Yamada’s face was playing in his mind, touching his freshly kissed lips.

Yuto formed a shy smile.

It was Yuto’s first kiss, and Yamada’s too.

Yuto thought he was falling for his best friend.

 

***

 

The sky is starless that night when Yuto looks up to it, immersing himself in his sorrowful emotion. He thought his life is back to the way he wants it to, the way he has always wanted it to be. But the more he spends his days with Yamada, the more he knows he is going to hurt Yamada when the time comes for him to give out his farewell. He turns around and sees Yamada in the living room inside, fixing his attention to a manuscript he is reviewing.

His eyes are staring at Yamada fondly but emptiness catches his heart and shoots him right to his soul. For all these years he’s always felt like the world is crushing him. When he had to let go of his dreams and lived his life as if everything was working out for him. There was not even a day he felt like he was alive. He was only ruled by sadness and stirred in constant grief.

 

His old conversation with Yamada comes up to his mind again, about their childhood dream and a little secret they shared one evening.

_“Yuto-kun, I’d like to publish a book one day. Can we write it together?”_

Yamada’s voice was soft, almost like a whisper to Yuto’s ears.

_“Of course, that’s a great idea! Let’s write it together!”_

Yamada’s face lighted up when he heard Yuto’s response, and he approached Yuto, nudged him on the ribs and whispered close to his ears,

_“This will be our little secret!”_

 

Yuto feels a soft hand on his arm that awakes him from his thought. Yamada’s soft expression melts his heart right away, and once again Yuto hesitates if tonight is the night he could make himself clear.

“Yuto-kun, is something wrong?” Yamada draws his arms and rests his head on Yuto’s chest, holding him tight.

Yuto breathes deeply when Yamada’s warmth sips through him. His aching heart is letting all the words that are bound to be said, but his brain isn’t cooperating at all. He stands frozen, letting the words drown in the mess of Yamada’s lock.

Their embrace gets tighter and the heat slowly rising between them. Glued bodies whispering the words that have been buried for many years, anchored in each of their heart.

Yuto shakes his head and pulls apart to kiss Yamada’s cheek softly.

“Nothing. I just can’t believe you are in my arms right now. I’m so happy.”

Heartbeats are getting faster, hands are reaching for waists and the space between them implodes when Yuto reminds Yamada about that rainy night when he planted a kiss on Yamada’s lips. It truly meant something more, something deeper than the wound in his guilty presence.

“Yama-chan, I love you.”

 

Yuto takes his dive and kisses Yamada, mouthing what his thoughts tells him with arms pulling closer. Attempting to steal what he finds in his way, the softness that greets his fingers which is Yamada’s. The golden ring catches his attention, offering a kind of blaze that blinds his sanity and drags him all the way to Yamada's bed. He embraces his one and only childhood friend, the only person he strives his life for.

The marks Yuto draws are everywhere, leaving Yamada’s body like accessories too extravagant he has waited his whole life to attain. Sensation is lighting up when Yuto concatenates his hands upon Yamada’s and breathy moans fuelling the growing fire. Yuto’s delicate touch is burning Yamada like that night is the last night of their life.

Or perhaps the first night of many other nights they would spend craving and ravishing as if nothing else matters.

 

***

 

Yamada is still the same Yamada Ryosuke that Yuto has always known. Despite his tight schedule and deadlines, he spares some time to cook and takes care of Yuto. They sleep and wake up in the same bed with Yuto finding Yamada every morning, painted with a slight blush after a long, delightful night. His sleeping expression is the cutest. Yuto doesn’t waste the moment and take snaps of sleeping Yamada, which ends up being too many of them.

Yuto loves photography, and indeed Yamada has become his latest favourite photography object. Yamada always looks good from any angle and Yuto can’t help but to wonder why he isn’t a model.

“I’m asking myself that the whole time.” Yamada frowns at Yuto’s question.

“Maybe because you’re not tall enough.”

It is enough for Yuto to earn a smack on the head. But Yuto follows after him and steals a kiss on his cheek, forcing Yamada to cover his face immediately with his hands when he’s blushing from embarrassment. Yuto pulls Yamada to his arms and sniffs deep into Yamada’s rose-scented hair, feeling so much affection overflowing for the man in front of him.

 

Sometimes Yuto will find Yamada asleep on the couch while waiting for him to come home from work. Yuto is a regular salaryman, and he has been working overtime for the past few days.

Yuto approaches Yamada and leaves a soft kiss on his temple, setting his hair aside to admire every part of him. Every part of the little guy that makes him feel whole. Yuto kisses him more, causing Yamada to wake up abruptly and pulls Yuto into a hug.

"Tadaima."

“Okaeri. You must be hungry. I will heat up the food for you.” Yamada pulls back after some time and smiles cheerfully to the worn-out Yuto.

“Wait. Please. Just stay here for a while.” Yuto asks and pulls Yamada back to his strong arms, sniffing the rose scent of Yamada’s hair. Yamada understands, letting Yuto hold him still.

“Please hug me.” Yuto says, almost sounding like a beg. Yamada chuckles at the command, wrapping his arms around Yuto’s body.

“Ah, what’s got into you suddenly -” The words cut off when Yuto pushes Yamada on the couch and lies on top of him, both his arms locking Yamada in place.

“You smell so good, Yama-chan.”

Yamada gasps when he feels Yuto’s weight pressing on top of him, his hot breath starts glazing on his neck, transforming into wet and electrifying trails of expert tongue. Fingers are seeking for space, skin, and everything in between. Yamada’s shirt is practically falling on the floor, Yuto smirks as he watches Yamada who has his eyes shut tight blushing shyly. Yamada’s toned body lying in front of him, abs inviting and shouting his name in his ears. He quickly takes Yamada in again and ravages the inside of his mouth in a passionate kiss. Fingers are playing with Yamada’s nipple and actuating his bulge, grinding it with his own.

Yamada escapes and lets out a heavy moan when Yuto’s movement on top of him getting rougher, teasing and turning on pulses in his membranes.

“Yuto-kun...”  

Yamada opens his eyes to find Yuto stripping himself in front of him, offering his hardened arousal to him. Yamada takes it with pleasure, working from the base to the tip ever so slowly, as if counting the seconds in his mind and savouring the texture of Yuto’s shaft that occupies his mouth.

Yuto gulps in response, entwining Yamada’s lock with his fingers and drives him even closer to him. Yamada cooperates whilst trying his best not to choke, mouth trapping Yuto’s shaft in and letting it out in sync with the clock behind them. Yamada gives a last lick before initiating a kiss and grabs Yuto’s fingers, dipping one by one in his mouth slowly. Displaying it to Yuto who has his eyes half opened for the show. His hands guiding Yuto’s finger eagerly way to the south to meet his entrance.

Breaths are smouldering and pleasing with each thrust, as Yuto digs and raids what slams right to him. Tightness and perfection, all the glorious feeling he always craves in his whole life.

“Fuck me.”

Yamada curses, breathy and heavy, bearing the weight of Yuto’s body and bold thrust into him.

“I’m definitely... fucking you.”

His nose travels on Yamada’s chest and meets his nipple, he slides on it and taking turn with his mouth, nibbling and sucking it whole, and then the other one. Wet, fulfilling, and blinding at the same time as Yuto buries his fingers even deeper into Yamada.

He realises it’s about time for the real thing when he retreats his fingers from Yamada and gets up to grab for a pack of condom he has just purchased on the way home. Yuto always insists “safety first” each time.

However, Yamada stops him this time.

“Let’s do it without that tonight, shall we? I want to feel more of you.”

Yamada leaves a small peck on Yuto’s lips,

“More of your skin...”

He proceeds to take his own shorts off and jerks his shaft in front of Yuto, tugging it with Yuto’s hardened one playfully, smirk written all over him.

“Oh fuck...” Yuto answers Yamada by taking him by the waist and carries him instead, bridal style.

“Where are we going?

_Even when Yamada clearly knows where._

“Somewhere you can feel more of me.”

_“Because I want to feel more of you just as much.”_

 

Yamada’s bed is exceptionally warmer tonight, if not hot. Their heat blazing as Yuto starts his adventure on Yamada’s earlobe, running his lips to taste more of him, taking Yamada’s scent as he goes. Yamada moans in mellifluous tone, hands crawling on his back in a convoluted motion.

Yuto’s move is super delicate, because he can’t risk hurting the precious treasure beneath him. He drives himself in, taking slow but steady control in pleasuring each other. The night is long, and they aren't in a rush. The sensations are growing stronger as Yamada lets Yuto touch him in all places he meets, cascading triumphant feelings that rummage their system in no time.

“Agh. Yutti...”

“Tell me. Tell me how much you love me. How much you’ve missed me.” Yuto tries to keep up with his pace, drawing his words on Yamada’s sweaty chest.

Yamada grasps Yuto’s palm to connect their fingers together, telling him earnestly what’s in his mind. What he’s been dying to tell Yuto.

“I love you, Yuto... I’ve fucking missed you. Your voice, your touch, your laugh... Everything.”

Yamada takes Yuto’s fingers in the next step, licking each of them again and covering them fully with his saliva. He guides the wet fingers to stain his chest, gliding back and forth on his nipples. Yuto thrusts harder when he hears Yamada screams his name in pleasure. He finds it short after, the spot in Yamada and himself as he slides all of himself in, crashing the spot over and over. Yuto sucks deep into Yamada’s neck, holding onto it tightly while Yamada moans his name to the open air. The heavy orgasm totally disfigures the whole of their senses.

Both bodies attempted to relish the climax and claim for a place too high. Shielding and tumbling in each other’s caress with substances trailing over their skins and on the white sheet underneath.

“I love you too. So much, Yamada Ryosuke...” Yuto wraps his arms around Yamada’s body and kissing the sweat that’s dripping on his face.

“Nakajima... Yuto. Don't ever leave me again...”

There is a fire burning inside their bodies, too strong to put out.

 

...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Yuto wishes he could live this way forever, but he realises that all of this is a lie. A huge lie he hates himself so much for having to hide it for years and years. To have himself betraying the heartfelt smile of Yamada’s. To break him over and over every night as he invades Yamada’s body from within to the surface. Taking him so high in euphoria and the glory of bodies agglutinated into one, lust controlling their soul. He would kill to have Yamada beg for his touch every night for the rest of his life.

Yuto sighs, apologizing silently as he runs his fingers on Yamada’s skin, kissing every inch of his face. He wants to carve Yamada's face into a memory, that will allow him to keep it forever in his heart. 

Maybe to love someone doesn't always mean you have to be by their side. Maybe Yuto can carry on loving Yamada from afar and watch as his star shines brightly.

Maybe tomorrow, it will all be over for good.

 

***

 

_"I’ve never wanted to hurt you..."_

 

But pain is all Yuto causes Yamada to feel.

Yamada can hear voice cracking in the distance and his own clashes back at him. He can’t form any word to display his shocked response.

 

_‘What’s happening?’_

 

Yamada asks himself repeatedly. He holds himself when there is a pause and a long sigh drawn from the other side of the line.

 

“I’m marrying her.”

 

“Are you kidding me?”

 

Yamada bites his lips bitterly in disbelief, trying to recall the month and date and grips himself tight when he realises April is long gone. Yuto’s voice is clearer when he speaks again; there is certainty, and an awful honesty.

 

“I’m sorry, Ryosuke.”

 

_“I’m marrying her.”_

 

Yamada wishes he was dreaming when the mortal words hit him over and over. The pain is too real.

Yuto’s voice is gone as he says goodbye for the last time. Yamada crashes his head on the table, tears flowing out of him and his head turns into a sudden mess.

Sheets of paper are flying everywhere in countless pieces like how Yamada’s heart has become. There is no escape route from the complicated loop in his head. His hands are trembling and heart is breaking at the thought of Yuto’s hazy touches all over him. Of all the words spoken in between kisses and prolong high. Of Yuto who took him to such height he couldn’t see the bottom anymore. Of Yuto who came back only to be gone forever.

He seizes the golden ring given by Yuto, eyes filled with anger and sadness as he recalls the memories that have become too ugly at that point. Broken is all he is. He grips it tight in his hand hoping that it will break just like how his heart is, to somehow justify the heavy burden he feels. But it won’t. It stays still. Just like a small piece of him that still believes all this as a lie.

That the reality is a lie, and Yuto wasn’t lying when he said he loves him.

He wants to believe and hold onto those words. But the pain is fighting its way to his brain. So sore and toxic.

... 

On the other side of the line, Yuto is crumbling on the floor. The words that left his mouth are stabbing his chest mercilessly. He hates himself so much he would rather die. The pain paralyses him. There's no way to escape.

 

***

 

Yamada is standing on his feet, feebly still but at least he made it after days that felt like years for him. Several days ago, he was on the edge of giving up. In his hand was all kinds of pills he's never thought he would consume. But fortunate enough, his editor found him before it was too late. He cried and cried, thinking what a big fool he is to let Yuto wreck him so badly.

Yamada swears to erase Yuto from his mind and moving on. Getting back on his chair desperately to write again and meet his long-abandoned deadlines. His heart is still covered in malignant wound that’s eating him alive in each passing second, but he ignores it completely. Pretending the previous month didn’t exist in the first place and Yuto had never come back.

His fist meets the hard table as he punches it hard, tears welling up on the corner of his eyes.

 

“Someone is here to see you, Yamada-san.” Yamada looks up to see his worried-looking colleague standing in front of his desk.

Instantly, the image of Yuto filling his brain.

 

_‘Aren’t you going to marry that girl, huh?’_

 

_‘Are you here to give me a fucking wedding invitation?’_

 

Yamada walks out of his office, pain is casting over him. The thought of Yuto already suffocates him and tearing him into pieces. He would rather not hear it anymore, the voice that used to ram into his ears all night long. All those words that Yuto ever said. That kind of love.

Such kind of love, excruciating and painful.

 

“Are you Yamada-san?”

A woman in front of him speaks, her voice bold and serious. She is slim and appears taller with high-heel she is wearing. She smiles for a few second and it fades right away when Yamada returns it with a weak smile. Yamada nods at her, not bother to ask her to have a seat.

“I am Araki Yuko. Nice to meet you. I, firstly I’m sorry to suddenly appear here. But I have no time to hang around in wait. I just need to let you know something and speak to you about this matter.”

She speaks, as if pushing herself to be brave and let her voice be heard. As if her voice has been neglected and ignored, forcing Yamada who is a stranger to her to listen.

“I am Nakajima Yuto-san’s fiancée. We are going to marry soon.”

Yamada looks at her still with his calm appearance but he smiles, wider this time.

“I heard about it. Congratulations.”

Yamada is still smiling, even when at this point his heart starts to crumble to face a person who’s going to marry Yuto. A woman who’s going to take Yuto away. Take away his light, his love, and his life from him.

“Thank you. And for that matter, may I ask you a favour?”

Yamada’s smile fades into a frown when he hears that, trying to guess and prepare of what comes next.

“Sure, what is it?”

Yuko’s face lights up, and she walks closer to Yamada. She hands him a brown coloured envelope.

“Please, move away from Yuto. Don’t ever get close to him anymore. I beg of you, Yamada-san.”

Yuko bows deep after saying the words and handing the envelope.

Yamada feels like he is shot by a hundred bullets aiming straight to his heart. To hear those words coming from a person standing in front of him. It’s like a bad dream he wishes he will never have to experience. But the words are said and have done the damage to him.

 

_‘I’ve never even had him in the first place.’_

 

Yamada looks away when Yuko stands up to meet his eyes.

“That is the money I have prepared for you. I would hope to never hear Yuto calling your name anymore. Thank you.”

Yamada stares at the envelope and his blood starts to boil from inside him. He pulls himself together however, handing the envelope back to Yuko.

“Thank you, but I don’t need this.”

Yamada’s heart is aching, bleeding with no end.

“I’m glad to hear your marriage with Yuto. I’ll be truly happy to see Yuto smiling and have a beautiful woman like you beside him. Please take care of him. And surely, I will never come any closer to ruin anything.”

Yamada’s head is tangled in one complete mess, a maze too complicated to escape from. He’s on the verge of breaking, but he holds himself to say one last sentence to Yuko.

“Yuto’s happiness is my happiness.”

With that, Yamada bows one last time before walking back and locks himself in his office, hand fisting and punching sheets of paperwork on his desk.

On top of those paper is one stack of paper containing a story he wrote about Yuto recently. He wrote it when Yuto stayed with him for a few weeks. He wrote about Yuto’s eyes, Yuto’s eating and sleeping habit, Yuto’s smile, Yuto’s touch, everything about Yuto that he has never forgotten even when he was gone for seven years. It’s that kind of love, and Yamada can’t control himself anymore when he starts ripping the paper off, staining them with his tears.

It’s that kind of love, that leaves him broken and obliterated.

 

 _It’s too much._  

 

 _..._  

 

“It’s too much.” Yuto says as he stares at his own reflection, at himself who has become his most hated creature. Voices of people around him making his heart feel even emptier and the torn that he feels in his heart becomes much more unbearable.

Yuto turns around when a sweet voice calls out his name and he meets his bride’s gaze in front of him. He looks away immediately, Yamada’s face waving in his mind as he imagines Yamada as the one he is marrying. Of course, it’s just his helpless illusion.

 

“Are you alright?” The delicate voice says again, and Yuto looks up to smile bitterly at her.

“I wish I was.” Yuto can’t lie.

Yuto never once tried to lie after all. It’s only due to his father’s request that he is here, and all those years behind him that he had wasted away. It’s only for his father’s pride and his fear of living in poverty that he accepted this arranged marriage at a young age. He was helpless and dumb. He thought he can escape this one day but he knew as his father lying in the hospital and his life was on the edge, his ‘best friend’ was the one who was able to save him and pay for the hospital expenses. Yuto can’t escape this grim reality.

A glimpse of Yamada’s golden ring he had given him rummages into his mind and he trembles in his own woe.

“Yuto-kun loves Yamada-san after all...”

The voice lingers in the air like a daydream in one fine afternoon, and Yuto turns to look at Yuko in one solid motion.

“I know you’ve never loved me. Let alone to want to marry me.”

“But Yuto-kun does this for his father.”

“I think that’s beautiful and heart-breaking at the same time.” Yuko looks away and clears out her voice that leaves a painful choke in her throat.

“Yuko..” Yuto notices her eyes, bearing an utmost amount of tears she tries so hard to swallow back.

“Yuto-kun, Yamada-san said he wants you to be happy. Huh, it comes back to me. I want you to be happy too. There is no point of us marrying if you don’t love me, and I can’t make you happy.” She fights her tears that’s breaking their way from the inside, slowly staining her freshly done makeup.

“Yuko? What do you mean? I’m sorry...” Yuto wonders what Yuko means by Yamada wishing him his happiness. What is going on? Has Yuko been looking right through his silence? Yuto stays beside her despite his endless yearn for someone else. A person who has been his dream since the first time he came to know what is love and what it is to love someone. Yuto has spent years in torment but not letting a single person know the agonizing feelings that owns him.  

Yamada was his first love. It is an ineradicable love that Yuto grows up with and treasures fondly.

“I met Yamada-san a week ago and I talked to him. I've seen everything. I’ve decided that I can’t do this. I’ve been so selfish, haven’t I? It’s enough.”

Yuto is shocked by Yuko’s words. How did she even discover about Yamada?

“You met Yamada-san?”

Yuko sighs deeply and walks towards the opened window, letting herself be filled with fresh air from the breeze outside.

“I know where you were the past weeks you barely came home. You stayed at Yamada-san's house, didn’t you?”

Yuto gasps from behind her back, wondering how Yuko knows all of this.

“How did you know that?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been following you around.”

Yuko can’t help it anymore as her tears spill all over her and staining her wedding dress, her heart breaking as she continues the story. How she looked at how happy Yuto was when he was with Yamada. Thinking how perfect they are for each other and how guilty she feels for trapping Yuto with her all these years.

Yuko turns around and grabs Yuto’s hand tightly, dragging him outside to where people are gathering, laughing cheerfully while waiting for the groom and bride to come out from the dressing room. She reaches for the microphone and checks to make sure the audiences can hear her.

“Firstly, I am really sorry to announce this. Today’s wedding ceremony is cancelled.”

People are gasping in shock at Yuko’s sudden announcement, all eyes are on the couple and especially the teary-eyed Yuko.

“Secondly, I would like to apologize to Nakajima-san and my parents for doing this. Yuto-kun... he loves someone else. He treasures that person so much. Why does he have to marry me?” Yuko clears out her voice and tries to pull herself together before continuing.  “I don’t think I will be happy with this marriage.”

As Yuko finishes her sentences, Nakajima-san and her parents appear and immediately rushing themselves to get to where Yuto and Yuko standing, yelling,  _“What the hell are you doing?”_

“Father... I just want to see Yuto-kun be happy. Yuto-kun’s happiness is my happiness too. That’s what Yamada-san told me. I can finally grasp the meaning of loving, thanks to Yamada-san and Yuto-kun...”

Yuko’s father stops in his track before he could launch his anger. He doesn’t understand what his daughter is talking about, but he would be lying to say he's never looked at the way Yuto has been treating his daughter. It’s obvious that there is something troubling Yuto. Like he’s been forced to cope up with everything. There is no love in the way Yuto acts towards his daughter.   

Yuto’s father is trembling at the commotion that’s happening and looks at Yuto dead in the eye, thinking how things has turned out this way.

“Father, I’m sorry.”

Yuto falls to his knees, begging for his father’s forgiveness.

“I love Yamada. I can’t live without him.”

Tears well up in the corner of Yuto’s eyes as he speaks, pushing himself so hard to let out the words in his mind. Since Yuto met Yamada, there was never a day passed without him telling his father about the shy kid in his class and his adorable mochi-like cheeks. His father would laugh at his stories about Yamada and what they did at school. Though one day he found out about Yuto sneaking to literature club without his consent and he forbid Yuto from meeting Yamada ever again, calling him a “bad influence” for Yuto. But Yuto continued breaking the rule and even stayed at Yamada’s house when he was chased away from home.

Nakajima-san never thought his son’s love for Yamada was something more. Something deeper than he thought it was.  

“Do you remember mother? You loved mother this much, don’t you?”

Yuto walks closer to his father and stares back at him, trying to read what’s written in his eyes.

“I hope you could understand what I feel towards Yamada. I love him just that much…”

His father breaks down in tears as he remembers Yuto’s mother; his own wife. That’s true, the kind of love he has for her. She’s gone for years but his love for her has never died. He watches over Yuto and thinks of the best way to live in happiness even when a huge part of his heart is missing.

Just like how Yuto’s heart has been; tormented and broken. Missing Yamada each and every day, looking through page after page of his books and admires his writing. Yamada’s writing that reveals his sadness and hope at the same time. Of a person that he loves who has been away from his life. Yuto assures himself that he will come and save Yamada one day. From emptiness, the same emptiness and despair they’ve been through in their life.

Yuto gets back to his feet and tries to compose himself, hearing one single word from his father.

_“Run.”_

He fears of catching it wrongly but he hears it again, louder, ringing in his ears like a command.

“Run for the one that you love!”

Yuto gets back to his feet, dragging himself on the tiled floor as he runs with all his might. He breaks through the crowd of people who are still gasping and asking each other about what’s happening. Yuto can’t hear a word besides Yamada’s voice that’s resounding in his ears; as soft as a lullaby in a cold empty night.

 

Whispering to him,

 

_“Okaeri.”_

 

_***_

 

Yuto breathlessly panting when he reaches the door.

He counts the worries in his mind, thinking how Yamada will react upon seeing him. A person who told him that he was leaving him forever to marry some girl. A person who does nothing but breaking him into pieces.

Yuto knocks on the door at last, shoving away the hesitation in his mind.

A few seconds and Yamada appears in front of him with tears staining his face and eyes too dark, as if drowning in a grim affliction too great to contain.

Yuto launches at Yamada and pulls him into an embrace, so tight. They let their tears burn into one, breaking but drawing them closer. Yuto mutters his apology in between, mumbling,  _‘I’m sorry’_   endlessly with parted lips kissing Yamada’s temple.

They stumble upon each other, Yamada pulling Yuto closer and Yuto heaves himself onto him on the floor. He kisses Yamada, so deep, with tears still exploding from their eyes. Stories spilled in between kisses and the brushes of tongues. The smithereens which are their hearts slowly alter into whole again.

“I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry for hurting you like this…”

Yuto pulls away from Yamada when he intertwines his fingers with him and realises something is missing.

“Where’s your ring?”

Yuto gets up from their position on the floor and holds Yamada’s hand. He looks at Yamada in the eye; sadly, thinking of the worst scenario in his mind.

“It’s here.”

Yamada takes out the ring from his pocket and offers it to Yuto. Yuto retrieves it and puts it back on Yamada’s finger, his eyes watching the golden ring fits perfectly like how it’s always been. Yuto embraces Yamada once more, tighter, telling him that he will never leave him ever again.

 

                              ***                           

 

The same golden ring wraps around Yamada's finger beautifully, glistening under the dim light of his bedroom. Yuto lets Yamada sits in between his legs, kissing Yamada’s hair softly while at the same time rubbing the ring and admiring Yamada’s fingers that touch his skin.

The rain is descending outside, it has been for a few days now. But unlike the previous days where the rain pierced their ears like a melancholy melody, today they feel the warmness of it accompanying them, igniting the love in their hearts.

Yamada turns his head a little and their eyes meet. Yuto draws nearer to Yamada and catches his lips, with Yamada opens up a little and let the warmness of Yuto’s mouth wrap around him.

Yamada detaches his lips from Yuto’s after a while and turns his head again, resting his back on Yuto’s chest. Taking Yuto’s hand in his, he says,

“Yuto, you’ve never told me the story behind this golden ring.”

Yuto kisses Yamada’s hair again, his free hand cupping Yamada’s chubby cheek.

“I will tell you now if you really want to know the story behind it.”

Yamada reacts to Yuto’s pinch on his cheek and grasps both of Yuto’s hands, placing them on his chest. He nods as a yes and Yuto pulls him closer, burying his head on Yamada’s hair.

“My mum gave that ring to me before she passed away. She told me to give it to the person that I love and care the most.”

“I told her that she’s the most precious person for me but she said I’ll find that person one day. A few weeks after she passed away, I met you.”

Yuto sniffs the scent of Yamada’s hair and speaks again,

“I knew it was you when I saw you for the first time. Did you feel the same?”

Yamada lets go of Yuto’s hands and turns around to hug him tight, attempting to fight away the tears that slowly forming.

“I felt it… When you spoke to me for the first time. But I’m scared that you’d find me weird...”

Yuto enfolds him even closer and laughs at Yamada’s words, joking about how silly he was for thinking that way.

“I’m glad I made my move to talk to you, then.”

Those little scenes of their high school days come back to their mind, when love was spurting and growing inside their hearts. And finally today, no one else will stop it from growing fonder.

“I love you Yama...”

Setting his hair aside, Yuto kisses Yamada’s temple, painting the words all over him. His voice is fighting with the sound of the rain that’s pouring outside. So warm and feels like home.

“I love you, Yutti…”

 

_“Tadaima.”_

 

Yamada knows he doesn’t have to fear the rain anymore. With Yuto by his side. With his presence that he needs and willing to die for. Yuto is there to erase his pain and embrace him under the cold, blinding rain, safe in his arms.

 

_I’ve always been watching you, and I will always be._

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> (to be continued)


End file.
